Pushed beyond our limits…
It’s not the anger, pain or sadness that I can’t take. It’s not the anxiety, the demands on attention, the impatience that I can’t understand. It’s not the depression that I can’t sympathize with. It’s the desire to be “NOT here” with teeth so tightly clenched I can barely understand, stated with tears streaming down his face that I can’t face.
“NOT here, not as in I don’t want to live with you, but NOT here as in on this earth.” – quote from my 11 year old.
It’s funny how things at times come full circle. It was my son’s declaration to his counselor that he wanted to kill himself that started this blog, and while there has been much progression on a lot of fronts we still find ourselves stuck back at the beginning. And I’m not sure what to do. For those of you I talked to, I think that’s what upset me the most on Sunday night.
I understand his desire to push, to separate, to create identity. It’s just such a tangled mess. He’s upset we can’t spend more time together but then when I offer to he turns me down. I’ve dealt with reactive attachment disorder before and this isn’t it, but it could develop into it. I try not to borrow trouble but some days I struggle.
He played beautifully in the ministry of music on Sunday morning. I was so proud of him and told him so. Posted on FB about it and showed him the responses of other people to his gift.
I try to surround him with love and with people who care deeply for him, but I can’t give him the one thing he thinks he wants – a new mom. He feels the loss of my ex walking out on us keenly. Every mother figure in his life, barring my mother (his grandmother) has left him for one reason or another, in one form or another. I’ve written before about my past relationships and the issues with them. I’m working on bettering myself, acknowledging my mistakes and learning who I am and who I want to be. But right now how does that help my son with his pain? His need?
He’s told me several times he just feels like he can’t take it anymore. Not having a “normal” family (whatever that looks like anymore). Having to switch between two homes, one here and the other many states away. Losing family members to death, divorce, etc. I can’t really blame him, it’s been a rough road we’ve walked these last few years.
But I want to reassure him that we are not pushed beyond our capacity to take it. I want to tell him how strong he is and how well he has weather the storms of his young life. I want to fill him with the love that so many of us have for him. I want to share the hope that comes with knowing God. But he is too full of hurt and anger to hear and fears that opening up will just lead to more disappointment and pain.
And it’s not necessarily about what I want…
That’s another hard lesson to live with.
There are times I feel pushed beyond my limit, but I know I’m not. I know I am loved and cared for beyond my understanding. But I don’t know how to share that sense with the one I love the most. I sometimes wonder what Jesus thought of this life, how he felt about losing family members (if he did), if he ever struggled with depression. There are passages that lead me to think he did and believe in a Chirst who was/is BOTH fully Human and fully Divine in a way that I know I can’t fully understand. There’s a great song by Todd Agnew that ties this together for me called Did You Know?
http://www.imeem.com/crystalillusions/video/iQa0Feow/todd-agnew-did-you-know-shortfilm-video/
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