There are times I’m still shocked at what grabs me, moves me to tears, plunges right through any defenses I have. I was watching the movie “We’re Back – A Dinosaur’s Tale” with my son and, for those of you w/o kids or who haven’t seen this film, it’s basically a story about Dinosaurs who are made smart and brought to the modern world to fulfill the wishes and dreams of many children and their adventures with two NY city kids – one of whom is running away from home to join the circus. At the end of the film as “Rex” the T-Rex leader of the dinos has been turned back into a monster by the evil owner of the circus and as Rex breaks free and goes to eat the owner, the young man who has been his friend comes out and tries to reach the smart/kind/gentle Rex underneath, while the young girl who has traveled with them is in the shadows praying “Let no bad happen. Let no bad happen.”
It caught me by surprise, the tears that formed in the corners of my eyes, watching this. I had to step away from the room to catch myself, but all I could hear was a little child’s voice in my head saying over and over “Let no bad happen.” I’ve thought of that a lot as my son and I have begun moving on this past year. He’s already been through so much, I too have prayed, “Let no bad happen” over and over again. Some days it seems like it’s answered, others not so much, even though I know it has.
Today was a real mix.
My family and one of my best friends walked in the MS Walk-A-Thon today. We had basically a good time, got drenched in the rain. However, my son and I had an arguement as he kept straying away from the group and occasionally out of sight. I asked him several times to stay with us, got rebuffed, lost my temper and yelled at him. And thus our journey this day began anew. We had good times today, played two-square out in the parkinglot, played name-the-comic-charcter catch, watched a movie and played one of several trading card games he has. But at the end of the day, as often happens, what was begun early in the day came out to play and he and I had to wrench ourselves through another session of…I don’t know…it may be theraputic but I don’t know that I’d call it therapy…at least not for me. We managed to salvage the night after about forty minutes of talking to each other and I am SO grateful we can talk – even if not very well – about how we feel and what goes on behind our eyes. It’s a trait I’m afraid he got from me, not being comfortable talking about what’s really going on. Or how we’re really feeling.
He got into a scuffle on the bus yesterday, didn’t tell me till today. Also means he struck out of the final day party at school – gonna struggle with that as well. At every turn he’s fighting the word and still wants it so close. I see his hurt and it just rips me up inside. Course I still struggle with it, but in very different ways. There is a part of me that misses my ex, but it’s getting smaller everyday. I can look back on the good times now w/o the pain it used to cause. The bad times still wrankle some, mostly the ones we had after she left. I’m hopeful I’m on a path to a better place everyday. But I get what another of my best friends calls “skin hunger” more and more often these days. It’s more than sex or innuendo. Holding hands with someone you love, running your fingers through their hair, hugging, laying next to someone listening to them breathe. It’s all this and more. And this too is a test that has caught me somewhat by surprise. Not that it’s happened but by how strong the desire is sometimes…and by the changing nature of it. Most of the time now all I want is to hold someone’s hand or snuggle. Maybe I”m just getting older.
I still struggle with where I’m heading, what I want out of life, learning to let go and follow…
I’d say they get easier with time but judging by the lives of the many wonderful people I’ve know it really doesn’t. But peace does come. It just has a price and I have to decide if I’m willing to pay it.
Maybe I’ll surprise myself.
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