Ghosts of memories past…

I was removing files from my old computer the other day and came across a journal entry that I had written almost 5 years ago.  I’ve posted portions of it below.  I think the thing that strikes me the most about this is that even all those years ago I already sensed at least in part, that if I didn’t open up things would get bad.  I have never found it easy to be open with people, to trust, to really be myself.  This past year as I have had to face the consequences of my actions of my late teen years and early twenties and even into my late twenties I’m ashamed to say, I have also had the opportunity to let some fears go.  And to forgive myself some of the burdens I was carrying.  It’s not that I’ve done anything criminal, never done drugs or abused someone or assulted someone or anything.  But as I say below, I’ve been arrogant, uncaring, manipulative vengeful and hurtful in my actions…and I should know better.  I was raised better than that.

I’d like to think that the face that I can even talk about this is a big step.  The fact that I can acknowledge what I have done, picked fights, dodged responsibility, undermined people around me does not make me a better person, but it gives me hope.  Hope that I can and have and will continue to change.  I can’t fix everything overnight.  There are some facets of my personality that I may never be able to get “right” if there is such a thing.  I asked God to break me…break me of my habits, behaviors and beliefs that were contrary to where God wanted me to be and contrary to who God hoped I’d become.  Part of that breaking was this – losing the comfortable facade, the public face of Me, and in return, allowing others to view me as I am, and finding out that I really can be forgiven and loved.  I chose the title of this entry on purpose.  Just like Scrooge I’ve had my Christmas Eve visitation and just like him – I hope to be able to wake on the morrow with a renewed appreciate of the wonders of creation around me, and a new found love for the people around me, all my brothers and sisters.

For those of you with whom I’ve been friends for some many years (and new ones as well!)…

Thank you.

And…

I’m sorry.  I’m glad you saw something in me worth hanging on for.  May our lives together be better for it.

I’ve burned a lot of bridges behind me.  Ones that others put up in some cases.  She once told me that “yeah, you don’t think of others a lot…what do you think about?”  How to know.  How do I tell her?  That the reason I don’t have a lot of friends is because I’m scared to let anyone too close.  That I’m ashamed … and I don’t want to have to lie to more people.  I lie.  God knows I’m ashamed of doing so…but not enough to stop.  I should beg forgiveness from the people I’ve wronged with my lies.  My fear and pride always get in the way, and I don’t…

When the person who you depend on doesn’t share your core beliefs it’s hard.  And that’s my problem.  I depend too much on someone else for the things, that any psycologist worth their salt would tell me, I need to find within myself.  I’m just too scared to look.

I just needed to vent.  Five minutes would have been enough.  I guess what I need to do if I am to consider staying in this relationship is to explain to her where this comes from and decide what we can do about this openly.

There are some doors that should never be opened.  I don’t know that I believe this any longer.

It certainly didn’t work so well the first time around.

~ by jademark1 on May 13, 2009.