What do I want to say?
What is it I want?
When do I I feel less alone?
I’m still trying to process yesterday and everything that happened. I slept in, had been up late gaming, fell asleep on the sofa, climbed into bed somewhere around 4 or so. Totally missed church, which my son had asked if we could do anyway, so that was one less fight I had on my hands. We both woke up around noon. Fixed breakfast, watched an episode and a bit of Stargate: Atlantis with him before I was reminded that I had rehearsal for a drama piece at church for Palm Sunday. I checked FB before I went to get ready for the day, recieved a message from my Emotional Parole Officer who lovingly chastised me, which I both needed and deserved. Went and showered…and then…
I don’t really have words for it. I can tell you the thoughts that went through my head, what I did, the surroundings…but that’s not IT…or at least, not all the experience. I started off getting angry. Angry at myself for pushing the boundaries of my vow, angry at myself for making the vow. Angry that the process of change that I’m in is taking so long. Then ashamed that I was not more thankful for the blessings I have had along the way. I’ve had several mantra’s on my bathroom mirror for the last two years, I tore off all but one (after punching the door-jam)…but the one I left up is the important one for me right now I think.
I admit that I am powerless over other people. My need to be needed and my compulsion to rescue others has made my life unmanageable.
I am forgiven
There were others up about knowing my boundaries and being loved for who I am, but I realized yesterday, I’m not there yet. I struggle with my boundaries, hence the Emotional Parole Office (a thankless job I’m sure, but I am so very very grateful for him). And while I realize and hear others talking of loving me for who I am, and I appreciate that…first I’ve got to get to a place where I can truly believe I am forgiven. And then I started crying. Crying because I felt like everything and nothing had changed. Crying because I felt very lost and very loved, because I finally admitted that for this change to be real, for me to be the kind of father, of man, of eventual husband I want to be – it can’t be something SOLELY from inside me. I AM human….even if I hate to admit it, or at least to the weaknesses of it.
The only coherant thoughts I really have from the 45 minutes or so I was laying there, sobbing into my blankets, was that I had really mixed feelings about my son seeing me like this…and I was begging God to forgive me, asking God to help me forgive myself, and give me the strength to endure. There were others but those were mainly feelings, emotions that colored everything else. That and a profound sense of walls crumbling. As I’ve mentioned earlier this year’s IVL was about letting go of the past, and old habits die hard. It’s all too easy to fall into old ways of doing things if I’m not paying attention. Much like an alcoholic’s first thought will be to drink when certain triggers are hit…I’ve got mine, and the reactions they produce.
So then I went to rehearsal – about 40 minutes late…and arrived right in time to hear my cue line:
“What’s going to happen now?”
my line – “Soon enough you’ll find out.” (did I mention that I HATE waiting and am NOT patient)
“Is everything alright?”
And of course….I’m there emotionally raw and bleeding and everyone knows it’s not entirely alright… but since I prefer joy to sorrow I laugh, a weary one to be sure and more than a little expressive, and we all laugh and rehearsal goes on as does the rest of my day. After rehearsal I stay a while and pray, then visit with a minister there for about an hour before going home. I check in with my EPO, chat with a friend for a while, watch some tv with my son, then tuck him in and stay up late – reflecting, reading, watching tv, etc.
Pieces of my life are still scattered all around me and I’m not sure what shape the puzzle is making. I’m at a crossroads, the edge of the boat, as I’ve mentioned before. My old life lies behind me, new self-destructive habits on one side, new life that I’ve been called to on the other. I know which direction I need to go… what I’ve always struggled with is lining that direction up with where I WANT to go. But the thought of turning back or away is a price that’s too high to pay… I just struggle with moving forward. I feel like there is something I’m missing. An insight, a clue – maybe some person I’m supposed to ask, some prayer to make. I feel like I do when you reach that spot in your workout where you plateau and you have to kick it into higher gear to keep getting an effect, only I’m not sure how to kick it into higher gear. And the dogpaddling is wearing me down. I need help. I need to ask for it. It’s there, all I have to do is reach out for it, be willing to accept it. But aren’t I supposed to be making this journey on my own? I don’t understand. And I feel like Luke watching Yoda effortlessly lift the X-wing from the Dagobagh swamp…I don’t believe it either… how am I supposed to do this? And where do I find the strength to continue this journey? (P.S. – b/c I know some of you will worry if I don’t, I’m NOT suicidal, that’s not the journey I’m talking about) I’m just standing still instead of running… and I’m not entirely sure what’s next or what’s expected of me. But I feel like the answer is right there and I’ll be ridiculed or let others down if I don’t see it…so I’m frustrated, and it hurts, and I turn away, because although my excuses sound exactly like what they are, I still can’t SEE any solutions…
but maybe there aren’t any…
more praying…and prayers would, as always, be appreciated…