I have watched over you since before you were born, reading to you over the phone when you were still in your mother’s belly, watching you with your mother in the hospital and for every year afterwards. I volunteered to take over raising you not because I wanted to take something from your mother, but because I honestly thought I could help provide a safe and stable environment for you, and because I wanted the chance to be a dad.
You were unexpected. You were unplanned. But you were not and have never been, unloved.
And while I cannot rescue you from the choices you have made to this point, I still love you. And I am still your dad. That’s why this hurts so very much. I know we have not always had the easiest of times communicating with each other. I don’t like expressing or talking about the feelings I struggle with, your step-mother and both my ex-wives can attest to that. It was even harder to share with you, watching you struggle without knowing for sure what all was going on. I still remember the first time I really really knew how bad things were for you when I got a call from the counselor at school. She told me to ask you about something you had written in her office that day.
So when you came home, I asked, and you showed me a piece of paper that said “Sometimes I wish I was dead.” You were 10.
And in that instant my heart broke… and has remained that way for years.
I am not your friend. I am not a “yes” man. I am not going to give you everything you want and let you do everything you think you want to do. I am your dad. That means that it is my job to teach you, to care for you and to raise you to the best of my ability. I made mistakes, like all parents. I was not perfect, but I did and have and will always love you.
I wrestled with you to help let the emotions out when they were just too much. I dried your tears in so many of my shirts, I don’t think I have a one left that hasn’t had tears or snot on it. We read together, listened to old radio shows together… I thought I was doing okay. And maybe I did…
But somewhere along the way things went sideways.
Whatever the cause, illegal drugs replaced the ones the doctor proscribed to help your mood. Lying became the norm and you stole. Not just from me, but from family, friends and stores. Nothing like being surrounded by store staff demanding you to empty your pockets. We yelled, we cried. We fought, but I tried to never let go. Even in the end when I sent you out of the house to your mother’s, I never let you go completely. But to keep the rest of us, including your baby sister safe, I had to make the hard choice. That has bothered me every day these last couple years, especially as I am still seeing patterns of behavior that concern me.
It is like nothing we did, or fought for, or spent time trying to talk about or fix matters. And I cannot tell you how much that hurts. If you would believe them you can ask my friends how many hours, days, weeks, I spent agonizing over the questions of if I was doing right as a parent, how to help show you how much I loved you, how to raise you right. I cried more nights than I can remember, worried about the future. Seeing it happen now is like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Not because it’s inescapable. You can still pull out of it. You can still fly.
But I can’t fix it anymore. It’s up to you. And for any parent, that’s a terrifying thing to face.
I love you D.
I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, especially right now, with everything that has happened lately. But I do. Sometimes love means protecting people from themselves. And it’s not fun…for anybody. I still hope you can pull yourself up out of the hole you are in. But I won’t help you dig further down. I am your dad…and that’s why this hurts so much.
Interesting places I suppose, would be the somewhat cryptic and flippant answer. But in truth I’m not entirely sure how else to describe it. So far this fall, I have become involved with a wonderful young woman in a relationship that probably was not a surprise to anyone else but me. My son has started 7th grade and is dealing with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts and other such joys of middle school. I’ve been dealing with stress and anxiety that may be behind what put me in the hospital for about 5 hours the other day on suspicion of having a heart attack. I’m due to be ordained a minister in just over a week and a couple months after that take over as co-pastor in my local congregation. I have hit a rough patch in my relationship with my best friend and am struggling to figure out how to move forward in love and friendship without causing any more pain to him as it appears to be largely my fault we got to this place to begin with. There are family issues, health issues, friendship issues, work issues and other issues, but when is there not?
I still have a job, a roof over our heads, good friends and family, food on the table and a life filled with other numerous blessings. I am finding time to spend in quiet prayer and study. I am hanging out with my son more as we try to figure out how not to kill each other, even as it seems both our lives pick up speed. My girlfriend lives just across the hall so I get to see her everyday. I am surrounded by loving examples of God’s love for each of us and I thank God for it each day.
That does not mean I don’t struggle. I am stressed about my son, although I think we have him in a good place at the moment, there is a part of me that struggles with feeling a bit like a failure as we go from family therapist to school counselor to psychiatrist even though plenty of folks tell me I shouldn’t. We are both learning new coping skills and ways of handling stress although I think he is learning better than I am. I hope so at least. I would just as soon he not have as stressful a life as I have had the tendency to do to myself.
I struggle with how to be a better friend. I get nervous when people get too close, start exerting too much influence in my life, even when it’s my decision to allow that to happen. As I’ve been reading up and learning about reactive attachment, which coincendently may be part of my son’s issue, I am surprised at how many of the qualities apply to my life. I don’t blame this for what has happened, but it has caused me to rethink how I have handled people getting close to me in times past. It causes stress to me when people I care about and who are close to me do not appear to approve of my choices and/or decisions, even if they do not feel strongly one way or the other, I have had a tendancy to put my own uncomfortableness onto them creating an unhealthy/unhelpful view of how things really are which makes it difficult at times to find solutions. I really would like close and healthy relationships with people and I have been getting help, counseling and training on how to do that, but don’t let anyone ever tell you this is something that comes naturally. Being in community, living in community is messy and hurts and is not easy. But the rewards of being in that sort of loving unity with other people is something that it worth giving up lots of other things for.
One of the challenges I suppose I face as I move forward is that I struggle with being vulnerable. I am a wounded person. I have scars, anger, hurt, loss and grief as part of the tapestry of my life. That has been part of what this blog is about. A safe, neutral ground to allow this stuff to get out.
But I am also a beloved child of God. I have value, am loved, and am of worth. The key is for me to be willing to accept that, not only from God but from those around me who are also part of the community I am a part of. Only in this way can I be a wounded healer. It is not up to me to be perfect or fine or for things to be 100% good in my life before I move out in ministry. This is true whether I am a priesthood member or not. The only thing priesthood does for me is allows me to broaden the way in which I serve the people around me. It doesn’t make me perfect or make me more spiritual or more deserving or something. It is a covenant between God and me and the denomination I belong to. It is a willingness to learn to be vulnerable, to serve, and in one respect to fail.
What I mean by that is to fail to rely on my own strength and instead rely on God. Part of the challenge I face is in letting go of the illusion of control over my life and place it in God’s hands. I am still responsible for my own actions, the good and the bad. But as a minister in the service of God it is not about me, or my desire for recognition or anything like that. It is about failing to be proud and wise and strong as the world tells us we ought to be. And it is about being humble and foolish and weak, so that what is shown through our lives is the power of God at work.
I don’t know yet exactly how to balance everything out on my plate at the moment. I will admit that. I don’t know that I am making the perhaps the best choice by accepting all this at once. I know I believe in my calling to the priesthood. It just took me not wanting to push for it to get here and now I have to figure out how to answer the call faithfully. I know that I cannot do it all as pastor or even co-pastor by myself, without all those around me and in my community. I will make mistakes, there will be stress and trials and I will see sides of people that will hurt me. But I also believe that God is with me as I move forward into this as well. Grad school is on hold at the moment and I’m okay with that. Work is lightening up my load to give me time and space to deal with things and is looking to get me additional co-workers to help carry my responsibilities. I am still on track to mix up my social calendar enough to open up more slots and am learning to say no with less guilt. My son and I are working together to become a better unit. We are both getting training and help from counselors, psychiatrists and therapists. At the end of the day I’m not entirely sure if I could do any more. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused and I will work to heal those rifts I have contributed to.
I am sure there is probably more I could say on all this, but this has already turned waaaaay more long winded than I planned. But I am equally sure that this next year is going to be amazing, challenging, joyful, stressful and filled with new things. May we share the path and walk the walk together in the light. Peace and blessings.
Hear O Israel the voice of one crying in the wilderness…
the one crying may not be the one you think…
I know it’s been a while since I threw anything up here, it’s been a little crazy. Work hasn’t been busy, but there’s always stuff going on that needs attention, which is good (job security), but after a days work I don’t really want to come home to another dozen or so chores and things that need to get done. Life… well, life is at the moment. I think it’s funny that almost all my close friends tell me that their social calendar becomes fuller and busier the longer they hang out with me. I don’t mean to do it, it just sort of swirls around me I suppose. So why write those phrases at the beginning of this post? What’s the big topic for discussion up tonight? Well… it’s complicated… in part because people are complicated and peoples with theology even more so.
I was moved to put some thoughts up on one of my social network sites today in part to the way some members of my world church had been expressing their feelings about a piece of what we believe to be divine counsel to us, and what it means for our church. The comment follows: all our talk of toleration and inclusion is for naught if, in the midst of our celebration, we marginalize those who disagree. Remember our years as strangers in the land and be sure to treat them the way we wish they had treated us.
I was wrong to refer to the passing of support for the document as a victory. Victory implies a loser and in this case I don’t believe there was, there are simply those who are accepting of this counsel and those who are not – honest, well intentioned people on both sides. So how do we stay in community? How can we? How can those of us for whom this day was a wonderful blessing keep our hearts open and sensitive to those of our brothers and sisters for whom this was a major step in the wrong direction? How can those who disagree so strongly keep the love of God for all of us in their hearts and keep fellowship with us?
The simple answer is “I don’t know.”
This is not something I’m good at determining, I only know I feel it needs to happen. My friends who are more conservative help keep me grounded in the roots and traditions of my forerunners, keep me on the path of what has come before and how that shapes where we are heading. They help provide me with a firm foundation from which to reach for the stars. My more liberal friends are the ones who are standing on that foundation with me, lifting me up and encouraging me to stand upon their shoulders to reach for the stars, the ones who open my eyes to the wonder of creation in unexpected areas.
I need both to flourish.
I can survive with one or the other… but that’s not the point… not when we have the opportunity to do more than simply survive.
I am not always comfortable with either end of the spectrum. To my conservative friends I’m too liberal. To my liberal friends I’m too conservative. To me I just feel a bit mixed and saddened by the sense I have that those on the fringe want to pull things so tightly to them that it rips apart the middle. Fortunately we have avoided that thus far… but I’m walking on emotional eggshells as what has happened before still follows me, and shadows my thoughts on these issues. I was just a child when it was finally passed…the counsel allowing women to be in the priesthood. I watched over 3/5’s of the people I knew and loved… from a place that should be safe above all others…walk out, turn their backs and harden their hearts. It made my relationship with God and my church very difficult for many years. I still have problems with those dissenters sometimes. But others are very very dear friends. It’s crazy, but one of my best friends is Democratic, one is Republican and the other is an Independent. We all know each other and we all get along. How do we build bridges like that in our everyday lives? To me, the mission of Christ is to build relationships. Being in relationship with someone, whether intimate, friend, family or something else, is an opportunity to share, to learn, to grow, to love. It’s what we are called to do and to be.
I’ve been humbled greatly by some of the things people I’ve seen for the first time in a long time, and some I see regularly, have shared with me this week. Humbled and nervous.
I struggle still with the outcome of my life. The long term goal, projections, etc. I’m still trying to figure out what I want from this. I’ve made many new friends, found a voice for the first time I feel like I can call my own, can occassionally be involved in things that impact more than just my own life. I have witnessed miracles every day, both big and small. I have seen the love of God made manifest in my life and in the life of those around me, through the smallest acts of kindness.
Why then do I still struggle so? Part of me wonders if this isn’t part of the great mystery that is God, that Mother Teresa and others spoke of. The sense that the closer we get to God the more alone we feel as the inadequacy of our finite vessel becomes clearer and clearer to us. We are made to appreciate the mystery more and have to cling to hope and faith ever more the harder. Faith…
“A belief in things hoped for but unseen”
I could share many testimonies of God’s love in my life. But the truth of the matter is, I don’t need to know God exists. I’ve had experiences that can’t be quantified, measured, etc. I believe God exists… it is the faith that is a gift from God’s Holy Spirit. A gift I don’t need science to answer. And since I’m still more or less on the topic of conservative/liberal…sort of…I can talk briefly about this.
One of the things that drives me nuts about people is that they try to force religion and science to answer each other’s questions. Religion and Science are not in opposition, but concert. Science tells me how I got here, how the things around us in the wonderful creation act/work, the laws they follow. Science tells me when things happen and how…and they can answer the little “why?” But they can’t tell me why I matter, what the purpose of my life is, how to treat my fellow human being and the earth. That is Religion’s purvue. Religion answers the big “Why?” That is not to say one is more important than the other. I think it is too easily forgotten that some of the most influential early scientists in Europe were priests, men of God who wanted to better understand in our finite and limited way the glories of the world around us. I think how wonderful that is… and how wonderful it could be again.
My denomination has just started a dialogue on several difficult issues, including homosexuality, baptisim and others. It’s not the big dramatic step some hoped for and it’s too big for others… It is my earnest prayer that that means it could be just right… for all of us. All of us are children of God.
I would ask who’s got time for a little dialogue on Nietzche or Plato but that takes a bit more than I’ve got in me at the moment, even if sleep, like a clear breath, is eluding me at the present time. My best friend once asked me to consider if part of the reason I struggle with insomnia is because I don’t think I deserve sleep. I think there is some truth to that…well, that and allergies and being so drugged up I can barely walk straight (*see allergies) but not so drugged I can fall asleep. But in the meantime I wanted to articulate, albeit probably not really at the top of my form, what are some of the things I want out of this process. I got a chip from my EPO marking the 1/4 portion of the way through. It’s not quite, but close enough to matter, so this seems like a good time, since I’m sleep deprived, cranky and emotionally raw, to start…
1.) I want to use this year and a day to review how I approach being in relationship with people, with particular emphasis to intimate relationships. I was once told that “great sex comes and goes but it’s the company that matters.” And I would like to learn how to be the second part of that phrase, be better company. Honestly question what my motives have been over the years without becoming bogged down in minutae and hand-wringing, but seriously looking for the lessons I can learn and work to improve the man I occassionally catch glimpses of in the mirror and in the smile of others.
2.) I want to use this time to explore my relationship with my son. Due to circumstances beyond his control I have had a number of issues being around him, particularly as he’s gotten older and I see more of his mother in him. I’ve been uncomfortable with this duality, as my feelings towards her are hardly charitable at the best of times, but my feelings towards him are generally positive…but when they get mixed up… I want to love and respect my son for who HE is, not what I have struggled to define… if that even makes sense. Anyway, I want to be a better father. I have managed to hold the two of us and this household together on my own these last few years. I could NOT have done it without the love, assistance and support of my circle of family and friends, but I didn’t have to be in a relationship with someone else to raise my son. I am NOT a victim of my circumstance, but a chooser. And I chose to love my son and to be the best father I can learn to be…
3.) Regardless of what the first entry into this blog was about, I started this journey the moment I stood up in front of a crowd of people whom I had disappointed and hurt, but who loved me anyway and asked them to forgive me and promised to God that I’d stop running away from whatever it was God wanted me to do. I started with a prayer… a prayer to be remade. So the last thing I’d like to make progress on this year is my relationship with God and Christ. Where does the ministry that I feel called to provide fall into my life? Where, when and how will I make time for God and others? How can I best respond to the love that is constantly being poured out upon me? It’s a bit intimidating and in my opinion it aught to be… The love of the Almighty should scare the pants off of us at first. It’s not like anything our experiences here in this existence prepare us for and as it picks you up and wraps around you and gushes through you it takes your breath away. There’s truly nothing like it… and that’s what makes it so special, and so freely given. If I truly believe that God’s love has touched my life then how can I NOT respond? I spent years looking…but I’m done with that now.
This journey, this transition, this transformation… it’s something that utterly upsets the habits and balance of my life before and as such is beyond the entirety of my power to affect. All I can do is be willing. Willing and open to the opportunities and possibilities that are there for me to take if this is what I really want. And I suppose at the end of the day that’s the question that matters more than all the rest. I’ve been involuntarily liberated from my past and all the old ways of seeing and doing in my life. Do I really want to go back to them? I can, at least at times, see a partial picture of what might be laying on the horizon and I think it’s worth struggling for. It’s just so bleedin’ far away…And I’m really tired.
I collapsed on my bedroom floor today for almost 45 minutes and cried…
I found my diary a couple of days ago. My actual physical diary. I’d been talking to my son about writing down some of the things he’d been struggling with, his feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and abandonment. We’d talked about ways we coped with what has happened and I’d been sharing about my diary and about this blog and he had stated that he didn’t know what to write about in his, if he started one. So I shared with him the very first entry of my diary, from March 29th, 1991:
today was a bummer of a day. we just left Bizmart and a totally awsome turbo graphic 16 for $125.00!! & my dad wouldn’t buy it.
p.s. the day wasn’t a total bummer because I hit the jackpot, found money, and get to go to C.P. [Children’s Palace – btw] if dad doesn’t stay too long (he he ha he won’t!!)
p.p.s. He did!!
After sharing this with him he had less trepidation about writing something down. If I can just get him started writing something, to get in the habit of putting his emotions down on paper…it may not be a perfect solution but it would be a start to perhaps allow him some healing as well. So since I hadn’t read my diary since I last put an entry in it I’ve been reading it off and on, skipping parts and going back to others. The last entry in the thing however still strikes me. Not the whole thing, but here is the last part of the last entry in my first diary, dated Jan. 6th, 1999:
Have you ever seen a man so consumed w/appearances that he even orders his own thoughts as to make them more poetic? The thoughts that one utters when one is alone…? I have, I see him every day in the bathroom mirror and we cross paths as we get ready for bed. But I don’t really know him. Or understand him. His loss, his hurt, his anger. Maybe one day I will. Either that or maybe I’ll become the man on the other side of the mirror. Never can say…
It’s interesting how things come full circle. I may have come back to a similar place, a single father,nervous and unsure of what the future holds, but I have gotten to know the man in the mirror. I have become the man in the mirror, and the man looking in. It has not been easy blending the two, but I am who I am. I am loved for who I am, I am forgiven, and I know my boundaries. My need to be needed and to control others has made my life unmanageable. I can let go, usually. I am at peace with being alone – most of the time. I am not perfect. And those in my life don’t have to be. There is a new day dawning and God walks with my son and I. We don’t always realize it. We don’t always want it. But God is there. And God will not leave us.
It has been hammered home how much my life means to the people involved in it. People I am ashamed to say I have not taken the time to get to know as well as I should have, have reached out to me, via emails, Facebook, in person, to share their love and support with me. And I am so grateful and so thankful. I love you all. And for those who have ridden this journey with me from the beginning… well, there really isn’t anything else that needs to be said is there?
And with that, I wanted to share the first poem I ever copied down in my journal. It was from a book of Favorite American Poetry, a book my mother owned and for all I know, still does. And a friend recently sent me a power point with the first verse of it, something else that was a blast from my past, but I think is very appropriate here:
I love you, Not only for what you are, But for what I am, When I am with you
I love you, Not only for what you have made of yourself, But for what, You are making of me
I love you, For the part of me that you bring out
I love you, For putting your hand, Into my heaped-up heart, And passing over all the foolish, weak things, That you can’t help dimly seeing there
And for drawing out, Into the light, All the beautiful belongings That no one else had looked Quite hard enough to find.
I love you, because you Are helping me to make Of the lumber of my life, Not a tavern, But a temple, Out of the works of my every day, Not a reproach, But a song
I love you, because you have done, More than any creed could have done, To make me good, And more than any fate could have done, To make me happy
You have done it Without a touch, Without a word, Without a sign You have done it by being yourself Perhaps that is what Being a friend means after all.
There is a deep and powerful tradition of storytelling throughout human history. People would gather around fires, in dining halls, cabins, and numerous other places to hear a great yarn, or to spin one. Stories were how people communicated history, identity, dreams for the future, rules to live by and countless other things. People always have their own ideas as to what quality is MOST human. Personally I think it’s our ability to tell stories. Other animals use tools, pass on knowledge, require companionship and have some sort of social hiearchy. Other animals feel/show pain, joy, love. Other animals communicate through amazing means. But I don’t see any of them gathering around to tell stories. Granted, I’m not entirely convinced they don’t…especially whales and elephants…I mean what else are those big mammels going to do with all their free time…but anyway…
Stories are how we pass on religious truths, family traditions, the importance of heratige, and yet…all too often as a society it seems that we defer that responsibility to others. TV, movies, books – those who are gifted at telling great tales have a celebrated place, as they always have. Their audiences are wider and tools flashier to be sure. But is that the same? Sitting in a darkened theatre with fifty other people, staring of moving pictures of other people having adventures, then leaving afterwards quietly to go on with our own lives…is that what we’re reduced to?
I tell stories to strech my imagination, to share hopes and dreams with friends and family. I tell stories because I want to recount funny memories, share important thoughts, share beliefs. I’ve often viewed my role-playing hobby and the ministry that I offer to be very similar. Both rely on a sense of the emotional moment, appropriate use of drama and comedy, both bring people together and can pass on knowledge or raise important questions. It’s one of the reasons I try to read to my son at least a couple times a week. We end up talking about the story and what words mean almost as much as we actually read. Sometimes I make up stuff too. It’s the sharing that’s important. That’s part of what’s missing in the stories we tell each other today. Where is the sharing, the common bonds that bind us together?
We often hear phrases like “global village,” “common humanity,” “shared future.” But what are the stories we tell to make it real? How do we transmit the importance (if you feel it’s important…I do obviously) of these concepts to our own personal community? One person standing behind a podium lecturing us changes nothing. Repeated video clips of people requesting help, challenging us to change, encouraging us to a brighter future…they may help for a time. But stories are what endure. Stories are what remain.
One of the best moments of the last couple years for me, came at one of the most difficult times – the death of my maternal grandfather. He moreso than almost anyone I knew lived a life of stories. As the last day of my grandfather’s life here on Earth began he had been moved out to the living room in his bed, so we could all be near him and present with him. He was unconscious for most of the day, but there, at the end he woke ever so briefly – my son got to show him the last picture he ever made for him as well as some toys he’d gotten for that Christmas. I doubt that image will ever leave my mind. My grandfather, a man of virtue, love, laughter and stories, creating one last memory…one last story, there at the end.
We are made of stories.
The stories we tell ourselves to get by. The stories we share with others to define how they perceive us. The stories that are told about us that shape others outlooks on us and our actions. The stories that make us laugh, the ones that make us cry. The stories that bring us hope, hope that, in the end, it will all mean something. I love telling stoires. I love hearing stories. They may be the same stories over and over again, but sharing them with people anew, every time they’re a little different. I think that’s one of the reasons I like stories better than movies or novels. A story is a living breathing evolving thing. Just like us.
I don’t know where my story ends. I hope not for a while. I’m not sure of how my son’s story will turn out. I’ll do my best to share with him the stories that I think are important. Others will share theirs. Hopefully mine are funnier. He is already making his own story. And his story, our story is impacting the lives of many others who have tied their stories to ours. We are woven together with words. We are the story of humanity. One of the greatest reactions I ever got out of my Sunday School class was when I told them they are creating the next set of Bible stories. All of us are, every day as we live, breath, love and die in this world.
You are part of someone’s story. Maybe part of mine. Just by reading this, you slip in, maybe not say anything, but your passing is noted. Your interest impacts somewhere. Stories are strange and mysterious things. They have a way of starting one way and suddenly veering off in a totally different direction. But in the really good ones – it all ties down together at the bottom.
Below is my eulogy I wrote for my Grandfather’s funeral. As you read it, ask yourself this – “What’s my story? And what’s it say about me?”
It should be noted in history, that by common consent with tear-stained cheeks and bittersweet smiles, this was one of the best Christmas’ ever. It seems strange to say but I believe Grampie would understand, and agree.
The love and support that has been shown to me and my family has simply been overwhelming. Couple that with the stories, the laughter and the sharing that my family has done with almost all of us here…it’s been a long time since this many of us were gathered together.
I can’t define my grandfather, but I can share with you this. Grampie was not a particularly demonstrative man with his emotions, especially the soft-touchy feely ones, but I never have known another man whose life was so full of love. He showered us with it. Me, the skunk, the prune, all the George’s, we’ve never doubted his love for us.
I was blessed with a rather unique opportunity in that for eleven years I got to travel with my grandparents every summer to various reunions, sorry family camps now, all over the country. As I’ve grown older the memories tend to blur together but there are many things I still remember, like sharing the tranatuala with Phil among others, Grampie showing me how to shake out my shoes for scorpions, him and that bag of rattlesnake eggs, grammie taking me out swimming in Lake Huron. Grandpa teaching me how to play harmonica in the back seat of their car. Many more memories have been shared this past week.
With mom in the hospital a lot as a child I can remember spending lots of weekends with my grandparents. Much of that time was taken up playing games, among them Carum & Crokanal. That was grandpa’s and mine’s special game. We’be break out the pieces and spend what seemed like hours flicking those small wooden pieces all over the place and oh how he’d jump and laugh whenever we sent one over the edge. Many was the time he’d get a look in his eye and nod over in grandma’s direction as she sat blissfully unaware in her chair and then grandpa would let fly and it’d land right in her lap and she’d be all a flutter. Or driving with him in the car and playing tag the bumper with the car in front, or complaining about “female drivers”, just to get grandma riled up. Of course I couldn’t talk about him and not mention circus peanuts and licorice. Grandpa had a special drawer where he kept his bag of circus peanuts right by the bed and he’d parcel them out every time I came over. I was also his guinia pig when it came to hot sauces and cheese and I have to admit, my own son has suffered some of the same EEEghhhewww and AAAHHHAHHAAH as I have over the years from gorgonzola and goat milk cheese to jalapenos and habenaros.
We are a left today with a legacy of laughter and love. I’m reminded of that even as my heart cries because of something grandpa said to me about joy. It’s not that joy means we’ll never have pain, it’s that we believe in the hope and promise of what’s to come in the midst of our pain that we may thrive and live with glad hearts and good cheer.
So it’s been a unique experience this season, I got put in charge of helping to put together the contact list/snack list et al for my son’s soccer team. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how I got “volun-told” to do this but all-in-all it’s been a good experience. It has also made me realize just how much goes into planning and organizing kids sports…and all I can say is whew – glad I don’t have to do this for a living!
My son’s team had two games this past weekend, both close but unfortuneatly both losses. We thought we might win the second one until the other team scored two goals right in a row in the last five minutes of the game. They played their hearts out though. I was very proud of my son, although I realized that much of what I yell from the sidelines is advice on where to be running/how to be playing rather than encouragement…I have played soccer before and am an avid fan of the World Cup. But it got me to thinking, especially with our theme at church today, “Tell What You Know” and I wonder…
How often as a father/teacher/etc do I offer advice/direction on what/how to practice belief, rather than encourage those on this journey with me?
I talked to my Sunday School class this morning about how the theme, which was taken from the book of Acts, related to Palm Sunday and the whole celebration/remembrence of Easter. Because we are an outreach congregation we often get kids who have zero knowledge of stuff from the Bible, but I have to admit I was still a little surprise when one of my kids today said they didn’t know what Easter was about. So we talked about what the Easter story represented and how God’s promise is alive in our lives. I even made her cry (in a good way!) as we talked about how much God loves them, just as they are. And then tonight at Praise Craze (a worship event for youth that I take my son to) we discussed a similar issue…also about how we hide and the maskes we use.
So, does the part of me that offers advice/criticism…is that a mask or the real me? What is my goal and hope?
I believe that God loves me, God loves my son, God loves my ex. I want to be a better person than I am. A better father, better disciple…I’m just not sure how. I feel like I should read more to my son, share the sacred story, hang out more…but I’ve already gotten the whole “Daaaad. I am a TWEEN now, I am NOT a child!” So I’m not sure just how far I can push it till I am no longer cool (although, that day may also have already come and gone!). He still talks to me, that’s the main thing. We argue, cry, shout, laugh, love and share together every day. My house isn’t as clean or as organized as I’d like it, but we have clean clothes, my dishes are (mostly) done, and my bills are (mostly) current.
I can’t be perfect.
But I can be a darn good Soccer Dad – just watch me go!
I was listening to the radio today and heard someone refer to Miss California as our “modern day Esther.” Seriously? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe I walk in a strange place but as a practicing Christian I’m totally okay with the idea that America is NOT a Christian Nation. It’s not like we have such a hot record on running countries/empires/nations anyway. If I believe what I say I do, that God is my one-in-all then isn’t my allegiance really to God? How can I just say “God Bless America” instead of “God Bless Us All?” Too many fellow believers fall into a category I can’t take credit for but really like – people who are “RIGHT-ness-ous” rather than “rightous.”
That is to say that thier way is the one and only RIGHT way to be.
I do not have doubt that God exists, but I wonder what God thinks of people like that. Course, I often wonder what he thinks of me…personally I just hope God laughs, and often!
But my knowledge is not the same as faith…and I wonder sometimes if that’s where my struggles lie.
If I KNOW something to be true, how can I hope for something I’ve never seen? What if I’ve seen it? I wonder about that seperation time and time again as a parent. As my son was learning to walk, he could see other people walking and knew he could do the same…is that faith? As my son has watched mother & mother-type figures leave him over and over again, reinforcing the pattern…where does faith come in?
Maybe this is the disconnect between experience and reason, between nature and nurture, I don’t know.
Maybe I’m just blathering because my head hurts, it’s almost quittin time and I’m wondering just what the next few weeks will hold as I get the divorce paperwork filled out and get ready to send my boy off for summer vacation with his mother…
There are times I’m still shocked at what grabs me, moves me to tears, plunges right through any defenses I have. I was watching the movie “We’re Back – A Dinosaur’s Tale” with my son and, for those of you w/o kids or who haven’t seen this film, it’s basically a story about Dinosaurs who are made smart and brought to the modern world to fulfill the wishes and dreams of many children and their adventures with two NY city kids – one of whom is running away from home to join the circus. At the end of the film as “Rex” the T-Rex leader of the dinos has been turned back into a monster by the evil owner of the circus and as Rex breaks free and goes to eat the owner, the young man who has been his friend comes out and tries to reach the smart/kind/gentle Rex underneath, while the young girl who has traveled with them is in the shadows praying “Let no bad happen. Let no bad happen.”
It caught me by surprise, the tears that formed in the corners of my eyes, watching this. I had to step away from the room to catch myself, but all I could hear was a little child’s voice in my head saying over and over “Let no bad happen.” I’ve thought of that a lot as my son and I have begun moving on this past year. He’s already been through so much, I too have prayed, “Let no bad happen” over and over again. Some days it seems like it’s answered, others not so much, even though I know it has.
Today was a real mix.
My family and one of my best friends walked in the MS Walk-A-Thon today. We had basically a good time, got drenched in the rain. However, my son and I had an arguement as he kept straying away from the group and occasionally out of sight. I asked him several times to stay with us, got rebuffed, lost my temper and yelled at him. And thus our journey this day began anew. We had good times today, played two-square out in the parkinglot, played name-the-comic-charcter catch, watched a movie and played one of several trading card games he has. But at the end of the day, as often happens, what was begun early in the day came out to play and he and I had to wrench ourselves through another session of…I don’t know…it may be theraputic but I don’t know that I’d call it therapy…at least not for me. We managed to salvage the night after about forty minutes of talking to each other and I am SO grateful we can talk – even if not very well – about how we feel and what goes on behind our eyes. It’s a trait I’m afraid he got from me, not being comfortable talking about what’s really going on. Or how we’re really feeling.
He got into a scuffle on the bus yesterday, didn’t tell me till today. Also means he struck out of the final day party at school – gonna struggle with that as well. At every turn he’s fighting the word and still wants it so close. I see his hurt and it just rips me up inside. Course I still struggle with it, but in very different ways. There is a part of me that misses my ex, but it’s getting smaller everyday. I can look back on the good times now w/o the pain it used to cause. The bad times still wrankle some, mostly the ones we had after she left. I’m hopeful I’m on a path to a better place everyday. But I get what another of my best friends calls “skin hunger” more and more often these days. It’s more than sex or innuendo. Holding hands with someone you love, running your fingers through their hair, hugging, laying next to someone listening to them breathe. It’s all this and more. And this too is a test that has caught me somewhat by surprise. Not that it’s happened but by how strong the desire is sometimes…and by the changing nature of it. Most of the time now all I want is to hold someone’s hand or snuggle. Maybe I”m just getting older.
I still struggle with where I’m heading, what I want out of life, learning to let go and follow…
I’d say they get easier with time but judging by the lives of the many wonderful people I’ve know it really doesn’t. But peace does come. It just has a price and I have to decide if I’m willing to pay it.