So I called my ex yesterday, my son’s biological mother. First time I’d spoken to her since he went into the mental hospital. I’d missed and/or avoided calling her back right away after he got out…for a number of reasons. One of which is I have now had two therapist/counselors tell me that my son continuing to see him mother in the current circumstances are detrimental to his emotional and psychological health. So how do you discuss this? I have been asked if I have ever considered legal measures to change visitations and offer more protections to my son, so that he doesn’t quite come back the wreck he does…. but so far I haven’t, although I’ve talked to a lawyer several times before.
So why do I stand by and just let this happen, every time he goes to see her? I’ve asked myself that many a time, particularly when I’m in the middle of one of my rants about the condition he comes back in or when something injurious happens to him. Part of it has been financial. Rarely in my adult life have I been fiscally solvent. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I have been in a place where I could start saving money and paying my bills more or less on time. Lawyers and courts cost and I have not wanted to go farther into debt or start something that I was not sure I could afford to finish.
Part of it has been a fear of what would happen with my relationship with my son. We are still very gingerly working our way to a better future together…and what a wrecking ball would I throw through that if I started this process? I have also had a neutral relationship with my ex. While we don’t always get along we have not had really any serious disagreements over anything to do with my son and it’s hard to rock the boat unless there is a clear and present danger…but that’s what makes this so hard, because the danger here is slow growing and often can be hidden. But I know this, so why else?
I also, after speaking with his psychiatrist the other day realized that part of my reluctance stems from a sense of what I can only describe of the “pot calling the kettle black” syndrome. As much as I have railed against the drama, stress and chaos of what happens at his mothers, it’s not like it’s exactly stress or drama or chaos free here. Both of my son’s parents, her and I have struggled with healthy and positive relationships, we’ve both had money troubles…. I look and I find it hard to say that yes, he has been better off here with me than with her. I believe that, looking at her other two children. I believe that because of the support system and help I have in place for he and I. But that small voice in the back of my head just won’t shut up. And my conscience just won’t let me forget it. After all, I can’t guarantee that my son didn’t experience emotional harm in my home. I am not sure what all my partners over the years said or did, particularly while I was working nights for three years. I can’t say I’ve been perfect with my temper or always pursued the healthiest option for him. I know I’ve been aggressive verbally at times with him when I shouldn’t have. I’m always trying to get better, but it’s a process. I just… I don’t know… it is hard to look at the other person who helped you bring such a wonderful child into this world and say “You are not healthy for him to be around right now.” No matter my own personal feelings on it, it’s hard. And I don’t know that my mental, emotional or psychological hurts are healed enough to begin that journey just yet.
But I’m not sure how much longer my son can wait…